Trying to get it together
I've been reading this sight for a while now. Tonight I decided to join. I need help. I have been thru rehab 6 times now. I don't have the courage to go back. It is kaisers out patient. Same nurses, doctors. I feel ashamed and know they see me as abusing detox. I truly want help. So scared, I'm at my bottom. My drinking is scaring me. I'm out of control. My heart is wanting sobriety but I've been drinking so long, my entire adult life that I don't know how to deal with life issues, pressures. I don't want to make excuses but from age 20 when my father died and age 25 my mother turned her back on me, all while raising 2 babies....I lost it. I drink in secret, so I can sleep. I want to sleep all the time. I don't recognize myself anymore. My right side hurts after heavy binges. I feel crazy doing the very thing that is making me sick. I love being sober when I am,but then I start to feel uncomfortable in my skin and the slightest thing causes me to plan my drink after a few weeks of sobriety. I don't know how to get past the 2 week mark as dumb as that sounds. My husband is a normal drinker and does not understand. He thinks I can drink like him. So there is the bottle of wine for show, so he can monitor my drinking and then there is the hidden wine he does not know about. I hate this lying, sneaky, person I have become. Is there a safe way to wean without rehab so I can clean up and get into AA?