The good , the bad and the ugly.
The Good
I think I had a light bulb moment yesterday. I was reading about codependency in one of Cynical One's blogs and I suddenly realized that more than just having ended up in a codependent relationship with my partner I may actually be a codependent "type" person. I always knew I was "Mrs Fixit" but where I've viewed this as being a "problem solver" I think perhaps I'm often solving problems that are none of my business. This is embarrassing to admit but recently friends of ours separated and I found myself actively determining who had been "dumped" by whom and then spending a couple of evenings counselling him and giving advice where "sorry to hear your news" would most likely have been enough. Already a couple of times I have stopped myself barging into other people's business at work. Its a revelation.
The Bad
Awareness Acceptance then Action huh? I'm not liking Awareness. I know ultimately its my path to change. I get it, but before my partner went to work yesterday we had a nice normal conversation for an hour. We laughed and he spoke about a big trip we are meant to take next year. Awareness hung over the whole scene like a black cloud. I know that yes there is a wholesome, happy life ahead for me either with or without him but Awareness made me mourn the future I once thought we would have. I found myself wishing for a time , not necessarily at the sunshine and rainbows of the beginning, but even a month or two ago, pre Awareness.
The Ugly (or maybe funny)
I had to go to work really early this morning and it was still late night for my A. We both work odd hours so he hadn't actually started drinking until the middle of the night. We talked for a while and he was being particularly loving (probably because I was completely ignoring the fact he was drinking) Now I no longer care much for his declarations of love when he is sloppily drunk but it was better than some scenarios.
Anyway as I drove to work a text came in on my phone it said "love is eternal" A couple of years ago I would have found this romantic. More recently I would have been likely to text back something like "for people or beer?" This morning I read it and thought one word "QUACK" put the phone down without responding and carried on planning my day at work.
That felt good. Thank You SR