Rochelle, Tallia, madbird, LillianGish, yoctopus, Thank you all.
Whew. Yep. You're all correct.
I felt bad like I was being all Miss High and Mighty suddenly perfect now that I have a few weeks sober.
Truth is, I haven't been happy with him for a long time and I'm sick of his negative attitude towards everything. He's negative sober, drunk, good day, bad day. I can't fix that and no longer care to try.
I am no longer afraid to go hang out in the crappy apartment I rented on the fly. At least its safe and I can clean it up and make it a real home for myself. And I can move in 8 months if I really don't like it after that.
In my gut, I no longer feel safe with him. I can't trust him with my emotions and I have to admit I am scared of verbal confrontation with him in case it gets physical again. I've tried to downplay it as a one-off because I wanted to stay. I was too afraid of being alone. I constantly talk myself out of expressing my feelings towards him. I tell myself it's because maybe the situation will pass, but it's really the fear of him that makes me swallow my issues in this relationship. And that's just a sick way to live. No joy there and no hope. There is no positive foundation between us for growth. None.
I was very afraid to get sober. And I've been fine. So I dont have to be afraid of starting a life without him. I can get away from him and work on my recovery and enjoy this new life I'm creating. It's a mix of getting back to my old hobbies and interests and incorporating some new cool ones. I'm so excited to do that sober. I can't do it with him because he's a drag.
Thanks everyone, for your thoughtful responses and for crystallizing what I knew to be true.
I may not be perfect but I don't have to stay where I'm miserable.