When my RABF first got out of treatment, and came home, I wanted an apology and amends RIGHT NOW. I was really angry about the enormous pain he caused, and the relationships he had destroyed. It was in an AlAnon meeting that I shared how I was feeling, and asked how long do I have to wait for an apology? 9th step? Really...that could be forever!
A young woman who was there that night was actually in AA, and there with her Dad (it's an open AlAnon meeting). She asked if she could share. She then talked about going through rehab...twice. Said she didn't get it the first time. The 2nd time she got it, and was working hard at real recovery. She knew that she had harmed her family, and could have made her "amends" early on. But she said she was grateful that she waited until she was working the steps. Said had she apologized prior to Step 9, she wouldn't have truly understood what she was making amends for. She knew it was hard for her family, but when she did make amends it was sincere.
I left that meeting in tears, and am forever grateful to that young woman. I decided then and there to let it go. Let him work his recovery, and if (IF) he got to that step, it would be when the time was right. Not on my schedule. I then focused on my stuff.
It was about 6 months later, after dinner out, that my RABF sat me down. I did not see it coming. He made a heartfelt amend to me. Was able to verbalize what he had done, and acknowledged the damage that had been caused. He talked about recovery moving forward. We had a good conversation, and I did ask a few pointed questions. I don't know...I needed to be sure he "got it" in some way. He did.
So for me it started out frustrating, and ended up just the way it should have. That young woman in AlAnon helped me understand that I couldn't put a timeline on his recovery, and his amends. I needed to work on my recovery. She was right.
Just my experience....