You all are too kind! Thank you so much for your feedback and I am very happy to hear that my experience might help a little.
I continue to do exceedingly well. Yesterday I had a bit of a "relapse" in that I checked the viewing activity on Netflix to see if he really started detox yesterday. I noticed that he made a second profile (I didn't even know you could do that on Netflix) and called it "The Ex." I am glad I "relapsed" actually because I noticed it did nothing to me. I was not annoyed or sad. I didn't really wonder why he is not in detox because it is none of my business.
Last I talked to him was about a week ago (he begged me to call him because he was doing poorly). When he said that all I point out were the negatives, I went all out and told him what I read in my old threads and had forgotten. It was a good conversation because I reaffirmed for him and myself that I will not go back to that. I also know now that even if he were to sober up and be in recovery and serious about it, I wouldn't go back ever. He tried some emotional manipulation (which I now see for what it is), but was very decent overall and I do appreciate that very much.
The reason I tell you this is because for the first time, I was able to tell him about things he has done to me without feeling guilt or anxiety. Yes, I focus on the negatives with him because before for so damn long I clung to hope and good times.
I looked at pictures from last year that he took of me on a trip and it tears me apart how absolutely miserable I look. I take pictures of me now and I look so different. The withdrawal symptoms from quitting my anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication are gone now (they were mostly headaches) and I feel alert and emotionally in tune. I have talked at length to my mother and some friends who tell me that they have not every heard me sound this happy.
I realize that this is much easier for me than it would be for most other people since we had already been physically separated for a year. But even when he was not actually here, the anxiety was there (which like I said, I somehow projected into being afraid of dying and/or getting hurt or sick). I projected a lot onto my dogs in that I felt guilty leaving them alone for even just an hour. It was crazy! Now I go and come back, I know they have each other when I am gone (usually not longer than 4-5 hours anyway and otherwise they go to daycare), and they are so much more relaxed and happy because I am. I now realize how stuck I still was in my co-dependent mess because I was emotionally entangled with an addict even he if wasn't actually around.
I cried over some of the stories I read on here earlier because now it seems I can relate much better to the pain since I am not trying to rationalize anymore why I put up with it. Looking back is like looking into a very dark cave with occasional glimpses of sunlight.
I am rambling a bit here, but I wanted to let you know that things are still great and I feel amazing. I focus on the negative to affirm my decision, but the negative does not make me angry anymore. I am cleaning up the finances and sorting out his things to ship to him. I am going to buy a new bed and mattress with my next paycheck and while I wish him all the best, I don't check in with him. My checking in capacities are reserved for me currently.
I have reconnected with a man I have know for a long time. We weren't looking for this, it just sort of happened. It's very slow and sweet and we won't see each other until January. I mention him because I notice that I don't make my usual efforts to walk on egg shells. I don't try to please. And as an added bonus, he doesn't want me to. And even with the limited contact we have via email and phone, I appreciate that he is predictable because he doesn't drink. Never never never again!!!!!!!! I hate to say this because there are so many amazing people in recovery on here, but I know that I cannot have alcoholism in my life in any shape or form. Just thinking about the possibility of finding someone passed out in my living room or getting a call from jail because of a DUI makes me shake (literally).
Thank you all for being AMAZING. I mean it when I say I wouldn't be where I am without you. <3
Oh, and this weekend I will, for the first time ever, get a hair cut AND color at a non-cheap hair salon which is huge because until recently I wouldn't have wanted to spend the money and had a phobia of hair salons (perhaps I didn't think I deserve the attention...?). I am going all out, will not ask how much it costs, and take my credit card.
