I'm in the exact same boat and it hurts. We split after months of arguing and then, a dramatic screaming match last weekend. After him initially contacting me to see if I wanted to 'talk', we have not talked since.
It kills me that he's just letting go that easily, but it's probably the most sane thing he's done in months. There is no way we can work this out and there is no sense trying to convince ourselves otherwise any longer. But, I wanted him to beg. I wanted him to realize that I was more important than the alcohol. But, I'm not and I never will be. It's a hard pill to swallow, but I think I'm finally accepting that bitter little fact.
I miss him. I'm lonely. I'm sad & absolutely heartbroken. It's depressing. I still love him to pieces and miss seeing his face.
But, there are also moments now when I'm relieved. Moments that I'm at peace with this decision and feeling as though moving on is truly for the best. I'll qualify that by saying this has been an on again/off again thing for the past 6 months, so I've had some time to come to those positive feelings.
The first of our break-ups/fights left me completely frozen, broken into shattered pieces and a complete mess with little resemblance of the person I was before we met. I'd lay in bed and cry, for days. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't function. My life felt over - I had never felt so lost and hopeless and hope I never do again. Those very feelings are a large part of why I'm staying away now, even thought I want to run back to him more than anything. I'm terrified of ever sinking that low again and I know, with all of my heart, that if I go back, those feelings are there waiting to grab hold of me again. I'm more scared of those feelings than I am desperate to be with him. I didn't think I wanted to live anymore.... and that's not a good place to be. It's a terrifying place to be.
I miss feeling the intense connection we had, I miss his arms around me, I miss the great times we had when he was sober (although rare). When it was good, it was fantastic. When it was bad, it was so, so very bad.
I don't miss the lies. I don't miss the daily uncertainty, nor the anticipation of the next episode. I don't miss the broken promises of 'I'll stop drinking', 'I'll be better', 'I love you' and I certainly don't miss the missed birthdays or special times that he was passed out drunk.
I've never dealt with a harder break-up, I'll say that.
I wanted to fix him. I wanted to make it all better for him. I wanted so much more for him. I want him to get better, but I don't see that happening anytime soon and it's just so sad.
Now though, I have to want to fix me and make it all better for me. I need to want as much for me as I wanted for him. I'm working on that.... slowly, I think I'm getting it, but it's a hard transition after being the person who took care of everyone else for so long. I still love him. I might always love him, but right now, I need to love me more. After the hell of this relationship and the toll it's taken on me, I deserve to love me for once. Loving myself has proven to be extremely hard and it shouldn't be this hard. That is my focus right now and I need that focus to keep moving forward.
You're so not alone - I feel your pain, as it's the same pain deep inside of me that I'm fighting daily too.
I'm so sorry you're going through this too. Hang in there - I promise there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. You'll find it, just keep moving forward. It's there.