oxy'ed out
I'm fighting through the 3rd day again. A month or so ago I made it to 5 days and used. I felt worthless and defeated. I have tried to stop every day and finally on the 6th reached out for help. Its been a process but I got to talk with an addiction councilor. He understood the trap I'm in and gave me his cell # and said I could make it through. He listened to me and offered programs like methadone or suboxone. I expressed that I wanted totally off and didn't want to trade my oxy addiction for another. I was scheduled another appointment ten days later, so out the door I went determined to kick. I woke up on the 7th with a 200mg habit and one 30mg pill. I fought it off as long as I could but couldn't resist and did it. Sunday the 8th I managed to find a 15mg and took that. On monday I found 12 5mg and took 3 and another 3 on tuesday. On Wednesday I found a 8mg suboxone and took 2mg more or less . On thursday I took 1mg the same, and Friday a little less. That evening I realized that all of that was total madness!!!. I asked my self why and couldn't find a logical answer. I knew for me there is no successful way to lower my intake and I was doing just enough to torment myself and prolong the inevitable. So Saturday 14th started day one. Sunday day two and today day three. Anyone who has been through the first days knows what its been like and is like now. So that being said I had my follow through appointment today the 16th with the councilor. I had to drag myself there; but even being sick it felt good to walk in trying to fight. Maybe sounds stupid but I wanted to walk in there clean. I know I'm not there yet but I'm scratching and clawing my way out second by second. I have another appointment on the 25th that's the day I want to walk in with 9 more days. I'm going to a meeting Wednesday and a small group Thursday. Keep me in your prayers or thoughts. Thanks for listening.. .