LMN,
I, too, believed that our marriage would survive my husband's addiction, especially because he had been clean and sober for a few years. But last year he relapsed and no amount of crying, begging, threatening, loving, etc. could make him stop.
A few months ago I met with a divorce lawyer and signed the papers. Now, as my marriage is coming to an end, I find myself thinking some of the same thoughts you have. Will I ever really heal? I allow myself the freedom to feel the hurt, pain, and confusion when I have to and then I try to move on. Some days I can do this quickly, other days it takes me a little longer to move on. I need to remind myself that if I fill my heart with hope for the future and gratitude for the blessings I do have, there won't be much room for all the other negative stuff.
I'm sorry that you are having a difficult time. This thread, which you started, is filled with so much kindness and wisdom. Even though we have never met and probably never will, your words and kindness in this forum have helped me and many others. Don't give up on the future and don't ever give up on yourself. Not only will you be ok, you will be STRONGER.
Hugs