I am so sorry for what is happening to you right now.. It is terribly painful.
Like you, my family of origin is part of the problem that led me to choose my XAH - it seemed so familiar to me. Oops.
So I have discovered that we can make our own families.
There are many resources for women and children in your situation. I'd suggest reaching out to the domestic violence people in your area and they can put you in touch with many resources to help you immediately and to help you long term. You might pick a church, if you don't have one, and talk with the pastor and link into their resources. So many people out there are ready to help you and your kids, even if its not your husband or mother.
I think of it as "paying it forward". Many of these people who give to us when we are in such need have been there themselves and been helped from the most unlikely directions, and have made it out. They want to give back, and they understand who you are and what you need and want to meet those needs. Someday, you can "pay it forward", and that day will come.
Here's a thought - - Think of this like the beginning of a diet which is the only time I have ever really wanted to admit how heavy I had gotten or how many inches I was around. But doing it then made the weight loss all the sweeter because I could say exactly how far forward I had come. 32 pounds and counting!
Life is a bit like that, too. You have the lows, and they make the highs even higher and better. You will get there. And, with your insight that part of the problem is your childhood abandonment, you are ready to deal with the whole gestalt of what happened to you that choosing the man you did felt familiar and okay. For me, surviving the crisis of my sudden life change was the first focus, but underneath that has been a rewarding - and challenging - journey toward better emotional health and better future choices.
This is the low point.
It will get better.
Take care, many hugs to you,
ShootingStar1