Thanks to all of you! I managed to pull myself together and watch my 12 year old run in her first cross country meet. I then took her and her sister (15) out to dinner. I know that we couldn't afford it - but it's as close as I will get to being pampered.
As much as I would love to ask my mom for help, she will lay a guilt trip on me. The hurt I experienced today was not only that of the spouse of an addict, but the pain of an abandoned child. We spent our childhood pretending that life was grand and had to make sure no one in our family knew what we were going thru - what would they say. I realized today that I was never allowed to be emotional - I was ignored until I behaved exactly how they wanted me to. The people who are supposed to love me the most abandoned me when I needed them the most. I have been robbed of my emotions - and I don't know what to do
My AH was clean for over 5 years - I have to let that go, he's not clean now, and he doesn't want this relationship. I'm struggling with the fact that I was always there to pick him up - and he's not interested in helping me. Talk about reality.