The most important change after breaking up with the addict.
The stress is gone. For six years I was on an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety medication. I was battling my weight, could not motivate myself to work, didn't care about my appearance.
I am not blaming him as a person, just the stress of living with the unpredictability of alcoholism. We are now separated and I will never go back.
Profound changes.
- He told me "now that I decide to go to rehab, you leave me." All other times I would have grabbed his rehab plans and held on. I would have felt too guilty for abandoning him when he is seeking help to leave him. I would have had high hopes and felt like the supportive spouse I felt I should be.
This time I said "I leave you because I cannot take the stress anymore. It's not about what you do, it's about how I feel with you and all I feel is stress. I am looking after myself now. Please look after yourself."
- He said "I am addict and I want to quit, but how can I promise you that I won't relapse." All other times I would have understood and considered his desire to fight the addiction more important than the outcome. This also mean that I put his battle before my needs. This time I said "relapse is not an option. If you cannot guarantee that you won't relapse, then there is no hope for us. This is not punishment and I am not dismissing your efforts. I just cannot live with relapses anymore. I needs peace in my life.
- I have been so good to myself this past month. I go to the gym, I treat myself to things, I appreciate myself for having come this way.
- my weight is just coming off. I don't obsess about food because I am not stressed. My cortisol levels are not out the roof. I eat when I am hungry and I don't crave carbs like a madwoman.
- I don't feel like drinking every night (I never did pick up drinking on a regular basis, but for a long time it was a fight not to)
- I am not afraid of dying. The past year I was so paralyzed with an irrational fear of dying, getting an illness, etc. I couldn't make sense if it. Now I know it's how I processed the constant stress and worry.
- I get work done. I am more productive than I was in six years. I am more focused.
- I don't pine for greener pastures - I am content where I am currently.
- I am not as sensitive. People can criticize me and I can handle it well. I ask for it even.
- I don't have to cling to hope that life will be good. I now KNOW it will be good.
- I couldn't function without anti-depressants and anti-anxieties. I am off both now (weaned off during the past month). And not only am functioning, I am living.
It's all because the stress is gone. I know I keep writing about this, but it just feels so miraculous. It's inner peace, freedom, and a conviction that life will be great. I was not born to be addiction's punching ball, no matter how lovely the addict and how troubled his life.