dear along,
i was told a long time ago, that my primary relationship was with my husband, and my husbands primary relationship was with his doc. i did everything i could think of to preserve my marriage and he did everything he could do to protect his relationship with drugs and alcohol.
throughout our past 16 years, as we traveled together raising our combined family and sharing life's experiences, the pattern of addiction and alcoholism established itself well in our family illness.
both of our morals, values and integrety were compromized.
my husband has stepped way across any boudaries that healthy relationships hold. he has tried to be with other women many times under the influence, perhaps he was sucessful. he would leave wherever we were with anyone with more pot, more coke, more booze! he would sober up, apologize, harbor the secrets of what he could remember and pile on the guilt and shame on himself and kiss my butt till the next time.
i did for so many years think i wasm't worthy enough of a stable relationship, i would blame my behavior and change it in an attempt to hang on to him. as a result i ended up compromizing many of my morals. we both kept extending our values and principles. there was going to be no limits.
i can say i almost ended up in an affair that i didn't really want out of revenge and paybacks.
one day an event happened to me that i couldn't turn my head to. that day i decided that the pain was too much and i couldn't go on. i started to change, resisting all the way.
my husband was so typical in his ability to arouse anger and anxiety,alcoholic behaviors. i've had to relearn my own behaviors and hand him back his own. the only place i could find a pattern for positive change was in the alanon philosophy,
i guess i would say to u, u are dealing with an illness and living with all the symptoms. the quacking and manipulating, and the lies and broken values and promises are just symptoms. u will never be able to control his illness. there is hope for him that he will hit his bottom. don't follow him there! the real hope today is that u can start to get better and then things will begin to take shape in a good way for u. pain is real and forgiveness will come with time and help from god. i'm sure u didn't deserve the treatment u've gotten from husband. u don't have to let it go on. u don't have to end ur marriage. u do need a safe, loving environment to heal and get healthy. then u can decide what u want as the chaos subsides. i've found the best way to get this is to turn it all over to god, over and over agaim. trust me i know it's not easy, i always thought i had all the answers. i'll pray for u and take care of urself and keep going to alanon, and spend time with supportive friends and family and all of us.
big hugs from sugar
ps welcome to who are new. it's good to see u out there.