I find myself feeling guilty or badly for the kids. They miss their Dad. Did I do the right thing by letting him back in our life 3 years ago after I left him for "bad behavior". Bad behavior was going out with his friends as soon as I came home from work, not caring about my thoughts or feelings, and constantly asking me for money that he knew was for bills. I felt abandoned (because I was) and used (because I was). I left the toxic relationship when I was pregnant with our second child. He played the victim card. That he did nothing wrong. Tried to make me feel guilty. We stayed "friends" (talking on the phone during the week) and he told me that he loved me but how I deserved so much better. I read the books "He's just not that into you" and "How to have a happy pregnancy and be single" That helped me a lot. I was ready to have the baby and move forward with limited contact. I planned on starting to date when I my baby to be was 6 months old and felt that it was the right thing to do move on.
Then the curve ball hit. He went to jail when my son was just born. I went to visit him. (I still loved him) He admitted EVERYTHING. He came clean that he was IV drug user, that he was cheating after I left him and he knew that I was really moving on. He said that in order for him to start recovering he had to come clean to me. I told him that I would do some research on recovery centers and quickly found out that they were very expensive and mostly non-available. I wish I knew then, what I knew now. (hindsight is 20/20)
He came back to my house (as to not move back into the drug house he was staying) He told me how he felt he would relapse and how scared he was for his life. I paid for a one way ticket for him to go stay in another state so he could get some normalcy back. His uncle helped him. He maintained a job, paid rent, went to the gym everyday. His life was good. He came back to visit me and his family over christmas and relapsed. His sister and brother in law gave him the drugs for free. He told me, and I told him that he couldn't stay here. He went back. Did the right things in the other state for another 5 months.
When he was going to move back and not see or go around his using family members we found out about the secret indictment. He went to jail for 6 months and was assigned 5 years probation. He said he would have to work through this. Now, he couldn't leave the state. (neither can I) I run a family business here. I'm not moving.
He moved home. Things were really good for 6 months. Then the personality switch. Found out he was using. He did 30 days in rehab. He came home. Things were really good for 6 months.. then he relapsed again. His program didn't find out. He was able to keep it a secret and went on the Suboxin program. That worked until he started lending and borrowing.... with people he was going to the court mandated programs with. Then he started hanging out with his family members. I braced myself and focused on myself. I knew what was happening. I didn't run to his rescue. I talked to his counselor weekly. Now, he's in jail again... for 2-3 months to finish this whole legal mess.
MY KIDS MISS HIM. I feel so guilty for their pain. At this point, I know him coming home after jail is not an option. I know he has to do a year long + program for himself. He is willing and wanting to do it.. but of course is scared what this is doing to our relationship and family. I'm focusing on me and the kids. I'm not filing for divorce as I hope to still keep our family together when he comes back after the program (if he finishes it). Otherwise my course of action will never be letting him home again.
Am I insane?
Will this help him?
I'm questioning all my judgments. I feel so bad for my kids. Anyone have any good books for me??? I just want to be able to tell my kids the right things. I don't want them to be ruined. I'm just scared. It sucks.
