CFDMama

I would like to apologize in advance for this extra long rant:

It's been a few weeks since I've last posted. AB is doing well. He is still living in a sober house. It has been just over a month. I know that's not long, but it seems like forever. He is currently looking for work. He is going to meetings every day - sometimes twice a day. We have been hanging out, along with our 1 y/o son about once a week. Things have been going good. He's positive. He's gained a bunch of weight and his clarity is coming back. He's becoming the smart, sensible man I met.

So, with that all being said, I'm in a bit of a financial hole. I wasn't going to be able to stay in my apartment past September 1. I would've been forced to move into my mother and her husband's small condo with my son. However, we were getting at each other pretty bad before the deadline came and my brother ended up loaning me 3 months rent so that we could make a better plan. At that time, the plan was for me to fix some financial issues, then we would pool our resources and buy a house together - a split, that we could make an apartment on the lower level so we could live separately under the same roof. It would be more affordable for everyone involved. That has now gone out the window because my mother has issues with me being with AB and wants me to commit to not being with him (ever) if we move into the same house. My brother tried talking to her about her needing to be flexible and to expect AB to be there to see his son and she will not accept that. Fine. I didn't think our living under the same roof was the best idea anyway. We tend to really get under one another's skin.

Fast forward to today. We're still trying to figure out how we're going to make this all work - get me out of debt - let her get what she wants out of life, etc. It may be worthy to note that no one involved is really "set" financially, so there's really no money to go around.

Anyway - I called my mother up today to tell her the status of a deal I'm working out regarding my car. That part isn't really important, however, the conversation moved to other things, as it normally does, and she starts telling me that I'm blind and that everything is AB's fault and then she asked me if I knew that he had a record. I don't know if she paid for it or what, but she got his criminal record (he has an assault on there from over 20 years ago - a street fight) and says she knows because she has it printed out and that he's never going to change and he has made a mess of everyone's lives and I should just cut my losses and walk away.

I know she has the right to her opinion. However, I'm 36 years old. AB is 42. I don't understand why she feels the need to tell me every day what a loser he is! I'm constantly stressed out. She's trying to make me choose between her and him - or at least she is trying to convince me that I shouldn't choose him. Let's keep in mind that he has not moved back in. He has not even spent the night. He's doing what he needs to do to try to make things right - and I don't know what the future holds. I'm taking it day by day! Yes, I love him, and he is the father of my child. I don't see us living together in the near future. At least not until he gets a job - and I have plenty of my own **** to get under control! But these comments that she makes - and now going and researching his history so that she can try and convince me that he's no good and will never be any good is only making me more upset with her and stressing me out more and more. It's making me not want to be around her.

I guess part of this that I left out is that I am very dependent on my mother. My son goes to daycare, but I work about an hour away from home and can't pick him up on time. In order to help keep daycare costs down, she picks him up every day - early afternoon and has him until I get home to pick him up from her house. I don't know how to do what I have to do without her help in this area. So, it's like there are always strings attached and I can't break free and live my own life. She's involved with everything and it's making me miserable.

I just want to live my own life and be able to make my own decisions, but I feel like since she provides so much assistance - maybe she has a right to be involved. I just wish she wouldn't try to make up my mind for me. I think life is hard enough and all this turmoil is making it harder and harder. I just don't know if I'm ever going to find any peace between me and both of them - or them with each other.

I just feel like packing up and running away from everything...