yes, I think that you need to realize this didn't just magically happen....
YOU planned to drink "a small bottle of vodka"....you answered the phone when Mr. Phuckette called for a date. Did you post about the barbq to justify this? I thought you were truly venting?
you drove while black out drunk, risking your life and possibly the life of someone else for a very selfish reason.
maybe you need a more intense therapy if you want to stop? I'm not trying to be unkind, but it sounds like you used the barbq to justify your actions of going to the store, buying vodka, drinking it and then pretend you just don't know what happened?
where is your husband and kids when all this happened?
IDK, but I hope you pick up the pieces, take responsibility and decide you are really quitting. it's possible and worth it.