It's so hard.
I've have many realizations in the last week and my bf has also been doing well. He went bike riding and supposedly to a meeting at 7:30 tonight. It's 10:30 and he's not home. I have a lump in my throat and feel sick. I'd love to go to bed but I can't. I'm not capable of having a relationship with an active alcoholic no matter how much work I do on myself. It's a dealbreaker for me. My mental health cannot withstand this anxiety.
I guess if he's out drinking tonight this is it. I won't watch him kill himself. No more empty promises. It is so heartbreaking but I'd rather be alone than in this dysfunction. He is a kind, intelligent, and talented person. We love each other so much. But he's sick. I can't go down with him.