Thanks all
It's awful... I barely remember writing that post last night. I was fading in and out.
I went to the meeting! First one in 3 years. It was so wonderful to be in a room with so many people who are living sober. I felt like I was the only one who should be trying to do that, that everyone else in the WHOLE WORLD was sipping wine with dinner or whatever. I know that's stupid. How many users on this forum are there, after all? But I needed to "out" myself, outside of cyber space, and ask for some support.
I just don't want any more nights like last night. Can't take it. And I can't seem to stay sober on my own power. I need some help.