Originally Posted by
NotTooSmart 
My significant other knows that I can't drink... that if I drink, it means I DRINK. The cat is out of the bag. I can't play it casual anymore.
Tomorrow I will go to an AA meeting. For reals. It hurts to consider.I hate to even type the words.
I think I will feel differently in the morning. More positive. I love my son and my husband. And somewhere deep down, I might love myself.I can't feel it right now, that's for sure.
I was so mortified by the idea that I had a nurtured a drinking problem that I cringed at every reminder. And, believe me, everything was a reminder. Before I quit, if I gulped water too fast around people I'd wonder if they were thinking, "jeez, look at her go. Can't she exercise restraint with any liquids?" And facing up to the idea that I had created a problem that I had always considered beneath me just terrified me.
But, once I grew more terrified of continuing to drink than I was of facing what I'd done to myself, things got a lot better. I'm only about three months in (or five, depending on whether you discount sober before after a slip), but already the terror is gone. I still have plenty to be mortified about, but drinking isn't on that list. And there are no words for how restful that is.
I don't think I had any idea how much energy I was burning through running through my binge/hangover/hide-the-evidence/writhe-in-shame/abstain/binge/hangover etc. ad nauseam cycle. Shame and anxiety and secret-keeping take so much energy.
Don't get me wrong, the first couple months were hard. Much harder than I expected, given that I was used to going 3-10 days between drinks. But after I pushed through the beginning, there was a windfall of relief, and I had a bunch of energy that had heretofore been burned up in the drinking & shame cycle.
All of which is to say: I promise you that you are going to feel so much better in a little while. (It may feel like eons, but in reality it will be just a little while.)
Good luck. Hope your meeting goes well!
