Well... once again I am sitting here reevaluating everything with the Duck... I guess I should premise this by stating that he is a diabetic who has some pretty nasty reactions when his sugar is low and who gets pretty nasty with his temper and mouth when that happens.
I guess he started having a reaction (which I have gotten out of the habbit of telling him he is having one) and before I know it he is hitting the top of the desk - screaming explatives and telling me to go to hell
... I did good as most came across as excessively loud quacking until he started to take this mood (if that is what you want to call it out on 1 of the 3 dogs) then I got angry
... I was bathing my red nose and he started to just yell at our sheltie (who is 9) and quacking about our neighbor who was to busy with his stuff to help the duck with running a water line for the ice maker and quack quack blahhhhhhh!
I then found myself feeling the exact same way I did when he was drinking and felt the need to shut me up by trying to choke me
TERRIFIED!!!
I worried about what I would do if he tried to hurt my dog - though I think I would possibly loose it and hurt him over that - they are like my kids and I will protect them if necessary - which would just put me back to a place I would rather not be
I have not felt that feeling in over 2 years and it just really messed me up today... I found myself wishing he would pass out and praying he would just shut up!!! - just as I did when he was drinking - knowing that if the reaction is a bad one - he will... then I will have some peace!
I have stopped enabling the behavior as I used to as I do not feed into it or even say a word, but I feel like a terrified child when I just keep my mouth shut. Then I get angry with me for not being strong - but knowing good and well it would be unproductive and pretty stupid to even go there...
I would never show him that I am scared of him and to be brutally honest, I probably should be more scared than I am, but I will not allow him to have that power over me... kinda stupid huh???
I am just so sad and hurt
and feel so lost...
... I just want it all to stop I guess - and it isn't doing so - or at least not in my time...
I guess I will go play ball with the dogs - and then come in and take care of me...
Thanks for letting me blab!
RedAPBT in beautiful CA (great weather today!!)