crisis of conscience...
hi all...
i've been sober almost 3.5 months now. and i've spent almost 3.5 months away from my family every night to be in AA meetings... and it's eating me alive.
i'm an atheist... been using the universe as my hp, which has been ok. crossing out all the 'gods' in my books is fine (just uses a lot of ink), but the overbearing god-thumping in meetings is making me angry. so are all the slogans... i feel like there's no room in my head for me with all the 'easy does it' and 'keep coming back' things banging around in my thoughts all the bloody time.
mostly though, i'm just feeling that if sobriety requires me to leave my family every night to go sit with people who have been sitting in these rooms every night for years, hearing the same things, cringing at every prayer... i just feel like that's not the way for me to live sober.
it's frustrating to the point that i almost got booze last night... if this is what sober living is, why bother?
i need to find a better, more authentic way for me to do this. giving up family dinners and never getting to read bedtime stories to my kids is just absolutely not okay for me anymore.
there has to be another way. so i'm here asking for help. please help me find a better way...
thank you.