Wow. So much good insight in this thread! I've had a rough go these past few weeks with life kicking me hard and I made it sober. I also just passed a year of living sober.
I wish I could moderate. And I know I could for a while, but I NEVER want feel the crushing shame and remorse that comes with drinking cheap booze in the closet. Been there and even while I was doing it I was thinking "why am I doing this" while swallowing gulps of whatever it was. I knew it was sick then and I know even more now that it is REALLY SICK.
So, I've accepted that I'm really sick. I cannot drink because I cannot control it. It controls me eventually. All the way to the closet at 8am with warm booze and tears streaming down my face.
Sounds like you have been there too. I'm pretty sure you don't want to go back. It's not a good place. Awesome people like us do not belong in closets with vodka.
I wish you the best and hope you find your way to where you need to be in order to live a happy life. Rooting for you...