Oh Too, I'm sorry, just reading your post made me feel anxious and depressed. Are you really thinking about getting back on that awful alcoholic merry-go-round? Pretending to drink X but actually drinking Y, trying to fool everyone, even yourself, into thinking that you can somehow manage this raging wild beast? In your heart, you know it isn't true. Pretty soon your entire life will revolve around maintaining this "secret". Stand up against your AV, which has obviously been hiding all this time you were sober, just waiting for the chance to enslave you again. Stand up and protect your own mind, body and soul from this thief and liar. You don't have to give in!