I'm really glad that you are still here on SR and being honest with that. I've noticed a lot of people will just abandon the forum when they decide they're going to drink, I guess they are worried we'll judge them, or tell them what they don't want to hear. This makes little sense because they are cutting off a big support system, whether they are sober or not.
But almost all of us have been in your shoes at that point, hoping to moderate, and we're not here to judge or lecture you...just offer support, advice, our own experiences, and what worked for us.
In reading this, I realized that I never tried to "moderate". Moderation for me was having 8 beers instead of 15 shots
To me, it's like WHY give your brain that tease? It's torture!! It's like being starving and then giving yourself a plate of spaghetti and you're only allowed to have one bite! I found it impossible and totally pointless. I was way more comfortable just not going there at all. Why torture the brain like that. Finding sober things that make you happy instead of igniting the addiction and playing with fire is much easier and less painful to me.