I'm a very independent person so after he put his hands on me I really want to end it for good....
Reasons that make it difficult:
1. He lives with me.
2. I'm afraid he'll hurt himself if I leave him. (He attempted suicide by ODing in 2011 because of something his baby momma did/said)
3. I'm stupid and within the two months he was sober I cosigned for his car.
4. His car is on my insurance policy.
I'll actually make it a little easier on everyone and on my memory(its horrible) and copy and paste the email I sent to my mum yesterday at work....
I don’t think I can fix this.
I’m only trying to think of ways to fix this because I’m mainly concerned about him hurting himself if I leave him. It doesn’t help that I was an idiot and co signed for his car.
He’s the textbook definition of an alcoholic/abuser.
Things get better for a bit than go back to normal. I have like zero self esteem. Yeah he tells me I’m beautiful everyday but I just feel numb inside. I’ve lost 8 pounds in the last month. Yesterday when he was texting me I was a “coward, pathetic, selfish” at one point I wasn’t “worth his time” and he hated me. I’m “incapable of working things out because all I care about is myself”. He still hasn’t apologized for Sunday night. Although he has repeated over and over that I overreacted and he never put his hands on me in any matter that would be considered wrong.
I don’t feel connected to him at all. Not physically, mentally, emotionally, or anything. Since I left the house Sunday night I’ve actually felt like I can breath. I care about his safety and his wellbeing, that’s it. I don’t want to be the girl that was the reason he OD’d. But I also don’t want to be the girl that ends up in the hospital because of his anger. Theres no doubt in my mind that he loves me. I’m completely sure of it. Thing is, he loves me too much. So much that I don’t think he’ll let me go.