Good morning Flower Girl,
As I read your post, I saw so many things from my own beginning posts. I also am the loving mom of a son who uses and abuses drugs and alcohol. I can feel your pain and your shame coming through your words. And for that I am so sorry for you. What did you do that was "wrong"? NOTHING...because whatever action or inaction you took at the time was done for your children. PERIOD.
Whatever actions or inactions your child chose to take once he was old enough to know the difference between right and wrong...HE OWNS...no more than you as his mommy could wrap him in cotton to protect his body from the bumps and brusises of learning to walk..you cannot protect him from himself now.
As parents we want to take on the pain of our children..to accept it in to our hearts and take it away from them..but it's not ours...no more than their accomplishments are ours.
What your son is doing now is using you just as much as he uses his prefered substances. He wants to keep you beaten down...feeling as if you are to blame for all the ills in his life...that way he can control you. Taking back the control is gonna be rough...but believe me...coming from this LovingMom...it can be done..it is hard to do..and the path is not an easy one. But return here for your sustanence....we have all had to wrest our own control back...and the hugs and warmth here are plentyful.