I'm not afraid to go to AA.
I have reached out, but I guess I started out wrong.
I ended up going to AA (alcoholics anonymous) in hopes that I could understand what or why or how. I guess I will try this alanon thing.
It scares me a bit because part of my mothers recovery, which only lasted less than a year was for me to attend these as a teenager. It didn't help her. How will this help us now? I made a promise to myself when I was little that I would never end up that way or allow my child to and look what happend, my love is a drunk. way to go! In some ways I'm thankful for putting her first, that was never the question. However I am scared to think of what would become of me if it was just him and I. Would I still be living there? What if we ever had our own child someday? Christ, the list is endless and I'm the fool with a mind of child hoping for the toy on Christmas morning that they never will get.
I didn't know he was an alcoholic when I met him.
I have seen the worst in him and the best.
I just don't know what version of him to believe is the true version. It's frustrating and I"m sure you all understand. My goal is to be at a place where I know he will be ok in order for me to walk away. Will he be okay if I leave? If he dies, or gets hurt somehow I will blame myself.
I tried approaching his family. We had a sit down and they only enabled his behavior by saying "it's ok to go home after work and have one or two beers" "but it's gotta stop after that". You and I both know it will never stop there and ultimately they ended up blaming me for bringing it all to light. He reached out to his mother back in March after an attempt at going into the city for a Rolling Stones Concert. All he remembers is waking up, bruised robbed and beaten on his mothers couch. That's when he said he would make the change! He actually called me and said he needed help but he wasn't going to detox. His own mother couldn't get him to go, how can I? This sober period lasted one week and I have smelt booze on his breath everytime I have seen him but he calmed down quite a bit up until this past weekend. I really had faith this time, I really thought he could do it. I think he did. And to top it off. while helping me move some of my things he drank right in front of me all the while saying "this could have been us moving" "we could have had it all" "but you are dumb ****" etc etc etc..It's so hurtful. then he spouts off with "I love you, even though I say I don't" "I do". WTFIT?!?!
I saw on his birthday this month his family gave him a sports related six pack beer coozy. Do you have any idea what that made me feel like? I used to tuck him in at night, clean up after his vomit and listen to his abuse. I spent a few years dumping his drinks and hiding his mess even apologizing for making him get angry at me.
I know deep down it is not me, I do so very deeply want to believe in a miracle for him. I think that is why I am here.
I don't want to be his reason for quitting. I'd be a fool to think that, but I do want him to not die of this. Is that so wrong? I just feel so helpless.
