3 months today!
My recovery started in pain. I imagine that’s where most recovery starts (and addiction I think). I had a number of issues I was struggling with all stemming from a mind blinded and confused by addiction. I had little insight or coping mechanisms. I had a low frustration tolerance as do most of those emotionally stunted by addiction.
I felt defective and unworthy of love for my true self. Truth is, how would I know if my true self was loveable when I had no idea who she was? I didn’t know what interested me, what I wanted from life, what my purpose was or why I had not already been put out of my misery by some random (or intentional) event.
For me recovery began, a little before I put down the drink. I was already working with a therapist (had been for about 6 months) and found myself a source of spiritual nurturance. Nevertheless, alcohol had consumed my life. It was my sole hobby and greatest connection to everything in my life. It was my answer to every problem and every emotion..positive or negative.
Today marks the end of my first 3 months of sobriety. My first season. I have spent a lot of time here in my first season right here at SR. I have found folks I resonate with here…folks who understand. I have found a little recovery community to help support and guide me along the way. I am truly grateful for that. Books of spirituality and recovery have also been a tremendous comfort. Recovery has been pretty much my sole focus in this first season. And it has been exhausting work at times. Dealing with an ever clearer mind is hard work. Life is hard work. Dealing with people is hard work sometimes…but dealing with me is harder. Sometimes I simply get on my own nerves. Recovery overwhelms me sometimes..and that is when I have to push back a little and just sort of center and focus on what I need. Am I tired? Am I hungry? Am I lonely? What is going on with ME? And sometimes I am just too damn weary to address my own discontent. I get a little scared in those moments.
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All in all..I really like sobriety. I am enjoying the process of figuring my own self out…being a friend to my own self. That’s what it is for me…finally figuring out how to literally take care of myself. And in all honesty, I could NOT do that alone. I need people. I need hands to hold onto…many of whom I have found here : )
Sooooo in Season Two…I hope to crawl out of sloth and lethargy. I think I have done a whole lot of exercising in my own mind and well, it’s been exhausting. In Season Two, I hope to address the more physical side of my well being. I need to work up a sweat more. I need to slap the patch back on and wean myself off of nicotine. I need to get my diet back on track (I have been eating far too much junk food and ice cream : )
So that’s my 3 month rant. Thank you all who have been along the ride with me thus far.