I can't blame you one bit for feeling the way that you do, it's only human. You're definitely not in the best position right now. There are emotions at the surface, pain just below it, and uncertainty all around. I also believe fear would be present here as well.
It's times like this where the right thing to do can be incredibly evasive. In my experience the best thing to do in order to find the "right" thing to do is look at other peoples experiences. What worked, and what didn't work. Find that thing that worked for another person that you could see yourself doing. It may not be easy. It might seem self defeating. And there's always that fear that it worked for them but it won't work for you.
My biggest piece of advice here would be don't let fear of a potential future force you into inaction. Worry and fear could lead you to doing the worst thing of all - nothing. I would not be sitting here today with a computer, a job, and much less my life if I had not faced my own demons of fear and moved into action.
You can do this. You know you can do this. Sadly life does not usually fix itself, and rarely do things turn out better without doing something to make them better.
My thoughts are with you and your family
