I want to cry after typing all that out. Cry, because I do not *want* to stop drinking. That is my struggle. I really need to find a way to want it, and to reconcile that and feel happy and new about it.
I know that it took a lot for you to type that and I applaud your sincere honesty. I think that most of us, at least I, didn't truly "want" to stop drinking. I knew I had to though. All roads led back to the same place when attempting to drink. Repeating the same old crap over and over again but still tipping that can/glass to my mouth. I got sick and tired of trying to prove that I could manage.
Something that does not have an end, where I feel like I deserve something.
Alcohol is a great reward isn't it? That was me too. I made it through the week, got all the housework done, no responsibilities left. I DESERVE it!
I know that there's no way that I can prove this to you but sobriety will become a reward. That's really hard to see in the beginning.
There is no walk of shame on this board, just a lot of people trying to find their way just like you are and who understand exactly where you're coming from.
I'm so glad that you decided to come back, that's what important.