This is no way to live, but sobriety is so hard.
i really think if you gave it a go, you'd find it's not as hard as trying to keep all the balls in the air like you are now RenoDis.
and...it gets worse...one day someone will notice. One day you may lose your job, or lose a relationship, or have an accident in your car, or develop a health problem due to your drinking....
Getting sober is scary...but the smart money is on doing something about it now rather than later.
D