I think, whatever you want to call your problem, there are some pretty red flags there Milkman.
I found that once I crossed a line, I couldn't go back - no amount of 'time off' or 'taking a break' could reset me.
Once I reintroduced alcohol into the equation the same (bad) stuff kept happening
It can be a long journey to the realisation that alcohol is your problem...and the solution to that problem is not to drink it.
Don't spend 20 years on it like I did
D