Originally Posted by
Reallyscared 
I think I'm only now understanding what it means to be dating someone in recovery. I guess I have been pretending it didn't exist but this brought me to reality hard. I think it's probably unrealistic to think he will never slip up again, but I think our future will depend on what that slip up turns into. If it is just one episode and then he turns it around and gets his sobriety back on track right away then it's something I can probably handle. But if one night of smoking becomes 2 becomes 3 etc it will be too much. I also think it depends on how often it happens. I'm just conflicted and confused right now and so unbelievably drained. I had lots of other obligations this weekend and it was so difficult being away from him and pretending everything was ok. I just am so tired and feel like crying with every breath. I just keep picturing him on the toilet w his shorts around his ankles, pipe in his hand and frantically going through all his stuff to try to find more. I know I asked him to let me in but I'm so disturbed by it. That's not the man I love and want to marry. I didn't know who that person was.
It sounds like the whole relapse hit you suddenly and unexpected, so its normal I think to be in a bit of a state of shock; be kind to yourself and just allow yourself to explore your feelings slowly.
The things you are mentioning here are important things to think about, and I know I have had to question myself on many of the same issues. My husband is 16 months clean from pain meds and some other lovely add on's.... we have a small child, and would like to have more kids before long.... so potential of relapse, understanding addiction, and treatment is really important to me. (We view it like many other illness that have a possible chronic nature). When my husband was in rehab and working with therapist, they had him work on relapse prevention plans (identifying as many pre-cursors as possible) and sharing with me so I know what to be on the lookout for, also we worked on plans in the event of a relapse so we both understood what actions we needed to take as individuals and as a couple. These things have brought me a lot of comfort; I think because Im a planner overall; I like to be prepared.
Another thing that I think will make it easier, is if you maintain your own independence, work to provide your own income, handle your own finances, and such. I personally think all women should try to do this regardless of addiction issues, because we just never know what might happen in life. My mom & dad instilled in me before I got married, before my husband ever became addicted; that I needed to be able to take care of myself. Im very appreciative of that now because its made handling the risk of addiction a bit easier.
You don't have to have all the answers today; but maybe its good your aware now and can begin to ask yourself these kinds of questions.