helc

To cut a long story short, I am a strange alcoholic!

Strange in the sense that I can easily take or leave alcohol in a social situation. I don't get into dangerous situations (other than the immense health risks I am taking) When I am in company I sometimes drink less than others, my boyfriend sometimes gets mad if we are on a night out and I say I have had enough, am tired and hungry and ready for home. (He drinks once or twice a week)

For me, I like to drink alone. Watching tv, listening to music. That silly unexciting pleasure is what I am killing myself for.

I am 31 years old, and was a social drinker up until the age of about 18-22. Then myself and my room mates started to drink at home in the evenings. They had a job, so stopped after one bottle of wine. I didn't, and found the escapism a joy and drank more.

By 26 I had a bad break-up and the drinking alone in the evenings for escapism escalated. I had gone from either a 35cl bottle of vodka with diet coke a night OR four cans of strong cider to both.

Fast forward to now. I am very overweight as I eat badly and after drinking (every night) and am now having a bottle of 10% wine and a 20cl bottle of vodka and mixer (getting down from 35cl a day to 20cl made me so proud - how silly), almost every night. It feels like a bad habit more than anything. Strangely never anymore now as it will make me feel sick, in my 20's I would drink this amount before a night out.

However I feel iller than ever. I am suffering from severe anxiety which I am sure is in most part to the the booze. I have developed a huge fear of going to a doctor to the point it makes me nearly have a panic attack yet I know I probably have high blood pressure among other things.

So I want to stop. Badly.

I had been single for the best part of my adult life and I have met a guy and its getting serious. He is wonderful and I don't want to ruin things. If I am with him I am able to control my intake to a bottle of wine or less which he sees as perfectly normal in our society, I am able to do this easily 2 or three times a week, but I must admit I look forward to my sad little routine the day after of 8pm - sofa, tv, bottle of wine and 20cl.

I would love to stop without medical help but my suspected high blood pressure, anxiety and suspected other problems tell me this would probably be unsafe. But I don't know how im going to get myself to a doctors.

I guess, ironically, I might have to have a drink to calm my nerves to go (I have never drank before work, at work, rarely in the daytime at all unless its "social")

Could a taper work for me given my fairly heavy consumption for the past ten years?

What would a doctor do? I guess if im honest (and god I might aswell be here) I am petrified of being admitted to hospital or something and my family finding out.

Just looking for any advice and support :-) Thanks.