A long one...
Haven't posted in a bit. Came back on because there's been another crisis if sorts. Feels like I sort of lurch forward and then stop and assess. Don't feel like I'm improving very gracefully!
Last time I posted my AH was sober but I was struggling. I stayed at my moms for a bit and really accepted that I have my own codependency issues that have to be worked through. That's been big and hard.
Since those posts I have moved back into the condo my AH share. Really tried to work on my issue but stay married. In the past few weeks my H started drinking again and quit his job. The details r kind of irrelevant. I tried to not watch over him and be detached. Try to really feel, understand and respect that this is his life and his problem and not mine. He has been home with our toddler (despite all the issues he is in fact a present dad) I work full time and frankly it's been nice to have a spouse at home dealing with things.
Thing is, no matter how positive and 'team focussed' I try to be in regards to my marriage it seems to implode. My AH stonewalls on things, this time he overdrafted the account and became verbally abusive when I said we needed to discuss a budget.
It's virtually impossible to maintain healthy boundaries and stay married to an A isn't it? Not sure if its because my mindset is different or if its just the specifics of my marriage but the firmer and less angry I am on my boundaries the crazier and more intense- sometimes hysterical- manipulations my H has to try to force me into a power struggle. Feels like I have wandered up to the point where my own sanity and my daughters environment are first. And I see now that for me that means I want a divorce.
All the nitty gritty is crappy. I feel paralyzed by guilt just filling out the forms and gather paperwork for my attorney. I am TERRIFIED of what divorce will bring. I don't know practically how finances and living arrangements will work. But worse than that I am so so so afraid to admit that I am 'giving up' on my marriage. I know lots of ppl would say my AH checked out and gave up. But that's a cop out. There probably r ppl out there who would handle my H differently. I have my flaws and short comings and with or without booze there r issues in my marriage. But I am not happy and I am making a choice to cut my losses and try something new. And it's so scary!!
Sorry for the long ramble... Not sure what I am looking for. I have been trying al-anon and am having trouble feeling like I found my niche.... Guess I am just looking for a friendly place to vent.