Originally Posted by
Nuudawn 
Hi Pamel....something isn't working and I believe only you know what that is. Neither AA or SR seem to be assisting you in your decision to stay sober. And for me that's the rub, do you really want sobriety? Is it possible you feel disillusioned by sobriety? I mean if your friend could put together 5 years and it all still end tragically...I'm thinking you might have some thoughts on that. I think Zoe is on to something. I think there might be a connection between your difficulty with committing to sobriety and your friend's demise. I too think maybe one on one counselling might be helpful if you haven't tried that already. Forgive me...but there is something not serious enough sounding when you post about your relapses..there is somehow too much "ah well" tone. Are you angry at sobriety?? It almost feels like you are looking for comfort with bands of relapsers than long term sober folk. I just can't help feeling like there is something you are not looking at. What is it?
Nuudawn, I listen to
you constantly. I am fighting a battle with the "Could-ofs, should-ofs, would-ofs" and trying to resolve it. 40+ years ago I was part of a suicide (I think) of the man I was supposed to marry. Had I done differently, I "might" have had the life of my dreams. But, of course, life takes many twists and turns, so who knows?
I am still grieving, and, of course, living in the past. Not good. Logging back on here is a step in the right direction, and for that, I am grateful.