On the issue of relapse. I was a relapser for awhile. I had to get honest with myself and ask. "Why am I doing this? What am I getting out of it?" Because I rarely do anything for no reason at all. I was seeking to get SOMETHING out of relapse.
I know I sought attention and someone to save me. That didn't work, so at least I got no positive reinforcement for that. I was looking for relief. That didn't come. Drinking and drugging again did nothing to end my anxiety. It didn't reconnect me with friends or a happy atmosphere.
It took me a few times to realize that relapse held nothing for me. That's where I am today. I KNOW relapse doesn't work. So I've decided to live sober.