May73

I'm 5 days today and emotionally I'm all over the place. My boyfriend is in the process of dumping me. The rejection is soul destroying. In all honesty he's no good for me. I know it's for the best for us to part company but I just don't like the rejection. I'm scared of no one ever loving me. I feel very "alone". I wish it would all just be done & dusted so I can at least know its definitely over and that door is closed. Instead he's just being hot and cold and my head is in such a mess over it. Especially with nothing to numb the pain.

2 weeks ago I would just have gone out and got drunk for days until he was contacting me again. That's not an option for me today. I'm finding it really hard to put it into words. Last Friday I had a drink to numb the pain of his cold attitude. Today I'm having to remind myself that god is doing for me what I can't do for myself. I would love to tell him it's over. He abuses drugs is emotionally unavailable and uses me as a meal ticket. But I don't for that fear of no one wanting me. For that delusional fantasy of what I "imagine" our relationship could be like! It's insane!!!!! Our relationship is non existent. I'm just allowing myself to be used.

Anyway I'm not going to drink over it because I deserve better. God doesn't want me to be in pain. I'm just frightened what the new chapter in my life will bring.

I feel weak and pathetic but I am reaching out. Being cringe worthily honest and praying that will keep me sober. Just for today x