lesliej- Great to hear from you and thanks for taking the time to respond with so many great points.
I too felt a shift in my core self after meeting him and it has never left me. I think it's fair to say that I have changed- mostly for the better because of what I have learned. It is possible that I gave him too much power. He claims that I am scared and always run away. That could be partially true that I tend to run away a lot. But I have not found anything to run toward, but plenty to run away from.
I think you're right though- loving myself has been the lesson I keep running into. I think we as humans often are clueless about what we want. We think we know, but rarely do we really know. All I know is something hooked us both in this relationship, and neither of us have been prepared to fully let go. I think it takes a lot of work beyond just walking away and going no contact.
Maybe one day you wake up and that's it. You're just over it and life goes on. Maybe I will continue on solo or maybe not. But my guess is as long as he occupies as much mind/heart space as he does, moving on will be a challenge.
KariSue- Thanks for the reminder that I am making progress. I think a lot of us on this forum start initially come here with very intense and acute situations. Then some of us have a lot of recovery behind us and some have really moved on. Then there is the limbo stage of going back and forth, grieving, and letting go. When the drama is gone and the initial trauma has passed, the post-traumatic stress lingers and makes it very difficult to open up. Each time I go back to my AXBF I learn a lot but I think I have been unaware of the damage done.
Dating- not sure about that one yet. I have never really dated before and I feel like I bring a lot of baggage to the table at the moment. That being said, I have not met one person I would consider in several years, and anyone I would consider has already been taken. Maybe that is why I hang on to the fantasy of my ex.
Crazycoda- Thanks for the reminder that family might still be a possibility : )