Hello Kayla50
welcome back
Maybe we don't find hope, maybe we make it ,I dunno just a guy who was in the same hole you sound like you are in.
Try maybe starting a brand new thread "First Day" or "day one started" drop any again type thingies.
See it as you doing it(even though you feel mentally and physically like crap, believe me I know) doing it even right now, this moment will give(because you made it) the hope to do it in the next instance of now.
We live in the now, you are doing it right now, that will give you the hope for the now that is five minutes from now, and the now that will be tonight, but just do it right now.
wish you the best