Originally Posted by
blackandblue 
At times, I am sure that I know what I want, and then on the other hand, I find myself questioning my decisions. I removed myself from a relationship with my AXBF, continue to pursue my goals, and try to move on. But then, I still miss him and want to know how he is doing. Why?
But in the time and space we have been apart, he has continued on his path. While not using his DOC- he is still pursuing a lifestyle that is likely headed in a circle. I know this is not my concern, but I think I have not moved on because I am still waiting. Waiting for a miracle that will likely never come.
This is the thinking that usually sends me running back to his arms, and I know that is not the answer. But once again, I am about to go home and being on my own again for this long keeps me longing for him. I am not even sure it's human to be alone for this long. My friends and family think something is wrong with me because I am not dating or trying to move on in their eyes.
I am somewhat worried about me too being all work and no play. Yes, I do what I love, but I do it all by myself. I have my dream job. I am so grateful for my health and my life. But I feel that love and family is the most important part of life, and I feel like I am getting so far from the possibility of that ever happening.
Not really sure what I am getting at here but thought this was the safest place to air my dirty laundry. I really want to move on with or without him in my life. But I think I tend to get in my own way. I make excuses out of fear. Maybe that's all this is- fear? I also read that indecisiveness is a symptom of depression. Interesting!
Love and blessings to all!
I'm by far no expert but it sounds like normal feelings about your situation. I think it is natural to grieve what we've lost and feel confused. It also seems that you can verbalize how you feel and are taking steps to move on. That is GREAT, right? Nobody said that was easy but you are doing it so yea!!!
That said, what would it hurt to make a date with someone? (if you really want to that is). It isn't like to you have to marry them. It is just a date.
My daughter is kind of having the same problem but no addiction is involved. She just can't hook up with the right guy and I think is lonely. She also cognitively knows that she doesn't need a guy to make her happy but she'd like to have that dream of the perfect relationship. So it is hard.
All I can think is to keep on keepin' on. If a date situation presents itself and the guy seems nice say yes even if you are hesitant. Give the guy a break.
My guess is that you know the guy you left (very brave thing to do, btw) wasn't right but maybe you aren't missing him per se but what you hoped he would be or what you know he could be....but sadly isn't....at least yet.
Good luck, I'm sure it is hard. You seem to have good insight into what you feel so try to act upon your feelings. If you think you are depressed then seek counseling, if you think you are afraid examine that and try to take steps to not be afraid, etc. I think you made a great step by just writing down how you feel.
Hang in there.
Kari