I know I don't drink normal but I don't feel I think normal either. That is what I have come to accept and embrace.
I feel this is why I can relate to other recovering alcoholics. I understand them and they understand me. I think the same way they do. Now whether my thinking was always abnormal or became that way due to the drinking is another topic/thread and there are a hundred of them out there. Some like to contemplate that, I am not one of these people. My mental committee spins enough without throwing that in the mix and quite frankly, I don't care.
I don't feel the BB or the steps were designed to change us so we can think or act normal. My thinking has changed but I am still not like others. I can see that more and more the longer I am sober and the more I work the steps. I have changed but I am still not thinking like "normal" people. Then again I have no clue what goes on in another person's mind. I don't sit with normal people and have "normal people meetings" five times a week.
The BB has helped me to realize I am an alcoholic and the steps help me to clear my past and then be able to function without alcohol. They help me cope with normal life and normal people. The people around me, and there are a lot of them if you think about it, are not going to change. Why should they, they are normal. I had to change my way of looking at them and the world so I can function as a normal person, even though I am not.
I am okay with not being a normal person. In fact, I kind of feel special. Not superior, just special. I am different and today I feel that is okay. We are all different. I could feel sorry for myself, wallow in it and drink but drinking will not make me normal because I still think different.
Today I use that special difference to help others. I continue to work the steps to make my life better for me and the people around me. I am 44 and I was mentally absent for a good deal of my life. I lived in my head and it spun many scenarios to the point that many choices and decisions I made were based on them. Today I live outside my head.
It not about drinking, it is not about drinking normal. My desire to fit in, be normal, be like everyone else is gone and with it went my desire to drink. I have no clue what that is like and I don't feel I need to chase it to find out. I know what chasing the drunk feels like. I have done it half my life and I surrendered to it. It won. I gave up the chase. Do you think a "normal" person wants to know what it is like to be an alcoholic? I don't think they would chose to do that. I don't think they would fight to be one. I don't feel they would give up half of their life and lose the people they hold dear just to know what it is like so why would I do those very same things to become "normal"?
So maybe your fight to drink normal is not really related to drinking at all. I mean the physical cravings are there. These we cannot deny but maybe it is more of fight to just be normal. When I stopped fighting with that, the option to drink came off the table.