I have 52 days today. This was the first thread I pulled up and I related a lot. One of the things that is actually surprising is that knowing I am not going to drink "today", in a way alleviates a lot of the torture that worrying about drinking, when, where and how much brought up. I heard somewhere that this is the "disease of more". I get it. One glass of wine isn't going to be enough, and then I would be eyeing the level in the bottle...was that going to be enough (was it ever?). And there are cravings, but they pass. I observe them, and am like, "oh there is that feeling".
When I follow my train of thought "wouldn't a glass of wine be lovely". But then I follow that thought, and watch where my brain takes me. I can feel the anxiety of where that first glass of wine would take me...because that wouldn't be enough. And I am tired of being a slave to needing "more". As scary as it is being newly sober, I don't want to go back to the exhaustion of constantly thinking about drinking.
Being sober is different, but it is not as scary as bargaining daily with myself, and waking up to do it all over again. I can't control what life brings, but there is a relief in knowing that by not drinking today I have done something significant.
I miss it, but I am surprised that there is also some relief....