I fell into a dark place after relapsing on my 39th day.
I've worked SO hard with mediation, yoga, reading, exercise, etc..
It was too much pressure at a dinner (I'm in the wine business, obviously looking to change careers but one thing at a time) when the owners opened bottles they wanted the sales staff to try.
I asked the waitress for something to spit into and got a few looks from my superiors. I decided if the spit bucket didn't come in time, I'd take a tiny sip.
I watched everyone else enjoying wine and cocktails and quite frankly I felt left out. I had a few sips which quickly turned into a decision for a cocktail, after all i had already relapsed, right? That's the sick addicted mind for ya!
I ended up going to another bar by myself and I felt sooo lonely there. I was all dressed up and feeling buzzed for the first time in a long time. The bartender who was from NZ was sweet and paying attention to me. I wanted to 'pretend' I could drink normal but alas, I ended up taking a cab to a hotel, where there were no vacancies. I got kicked out by the cops for loitering as I was trying to find another hotel with a room. I was not making a scene or anything at all, the manager was just not tolerating me sitting in the lobby as a 'non-guest'. I was trying to do the right thing and not drive. The cops were kind to me, but I got emotional and broke down crying. I knew I had ruined my days of sobriety and happiness and that I'd be suffering for days to come. That is what happened. I suffered tremendously and even made some late night phone calls to the wrong people. I hated myself. But now, as the alcohol is out of my system and yesterday is the farthest place, I just feel lucky I had the wherewithal to even look for a hotel in the first place.
That's the only part I'm proud of. Now, I start the clock again and hope to make a better choice under peer pressure in the future.
Thanks for reading and please share some of your stories of relapsing in early sobriety?
Thank you!!
Shayx
