I just don't see the point anymore.
All my life, the little bit as me an adult, I have been sensible. I have done the right thing. I have looked out for others. I have taken other peoples feelings on board, maybe at the expense of mine. I have studied for a better future. I have savings in the bank.
And where has it got me?
I might as well not have bothered.
I have a broken relationship. I will be a single parent. I spend a substantial amount of time on my own and lonely. I am haunted by memories from my past in relation to drinking and the unforgivable, stupid behaviour that lost me the respect of my family, my peers. my friends and my work colleagues. I don't feel loved. I don't feel cared for or looked after.
I have no peace in my head. If I am not having flashbacks to some drunken incident in front of work people, I am wondering where I have gone wrong in life to end up so miserable.
I want someone to explain why my feelings are not worthy. Why my wants and needs are never met. Why am I not good enough to be someone's partner, mother, friend, colleague.
I feel that life is a burden and I am burden to life.
How can no-one see how truly miserable I am and the reasons why.
I don't feel in control of my life. Someone else has control over me.
I am so sorry for this outpouring of pity. I should be ashamed of myself. Perhaps the best thing to do is to cut my ties, focus on my work and my child and have no emotional ties to anyone else. Will that prevent me from feeling let down by others and by myself.
I really do feel like I could just get up, walk out, disappear and then thats the end. I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. It is just all a big complicated mess and I don't want to be any part of it anymore.