bigsombrero

I used to associate alcohol with freedom. I nursed those feelings in all aspects of life. Getting home from the office and pouring myself that first drink. Starting the weekend off with a bloody mary on a Saturday morning. Binge drinking during college after exams. Oh and I loved airport bars to kick off a week long vacation, no judgement and no rules. You see, when I was drinking it meant that I was free from responsibility! And dodging responsibility...well, I was good at that. I didn't pay taxes. I lied about my college transcripts to my employer. I dodged bills, even skipped the court appearances that were the consequences of those actions. I just didn't "show up" for anyone or anything.

And those feelings didn't cease right away after becoming sober. I remember when I got out of treatment and moved back to my own apartment, I felt like I needed to embrace being "free" from rehab...so I went to have lunch...at a BAR. I did not drink, but sat at the bar and had fish and chips!

How crazy is that? Even after alcohol cost me my relationship, my job, my friends, and caused constant social embarrassment and terrible health problems...my brain was still under the assumption that alcohol was a "fun" thing. And I grieved and wrestled with my new sobriety, because I was going to miss out on all the fun for the rest of my life!

Today when I walk by a pub, I see the opposite. I see a jail. I see a box. An endless cycle that halts progress and stunts growth. And I just wanted to write this down because I continue to examine how our brains addictive reward centers work. It's not over when you put down the booze - you still have to totally rewire the way you think, and the way you define happiness. Good luck to all out there, and I hope you are all working on changing your THINKING, not just your DRINKING!