mcbuzz2013

It was suggested in chat I post here to get more specific help about my situation. Just joined Soberrecovery.com tonight after an incident with the wife. I'm feeling desperate, hopeless, upset and deeply hurt. I don't have anyone to talk to, my parents do not really understand. The relationships we did have with other family members who I may have been able to talk to have been cut off and her drinking was the major reason for those being severed. So here I am, browsing online for any help I can get. No other family and no friends to turn to.

Brief history, we both were binge drinkers in the past but after all the arguments and the trouble it caused, I decided to try and avoid drinking. She initially agreed and even admitted she had a problem. Well last year i lost my job and we both binged heavily that day. Long story short, she was so upset about my job loss, 2 of our pets just passed away, plus the heavy drinking (vodka) contributed to her not thinking straight that she attempted suicide by taking an entire bottle of my sleeping pills. She was taken by ambulance to emergency. I picked her up the next day. We have been to couples therapy and tried to avoid heavy drinking ever since. But she still binges now and then. I have tried to avoid alcohol in our house as much as possible. But she has her own private stash that she hides from me.

Anyway before this turns into too long of a first post, let me get on with the incident. So cut to tonight, she has her office door closed which is unusual since we didn't have a fight or anything. I knock and immediately she yells that she can't even have any privacy. I have a sneaking suspicion that she's been drinking. And we have sort of loose house rule to not drink during the week. I ask if I can come in and I can immediately smell the alcohol. She's upset that she can't be left alone and have any privacy and denies drinking when I confront her. But I tell her that its obvious and that I can even smell it, plus she was acting drunk. She immediately goes into a tirade, changing the subject to another incident which she often does to avoid talking about her drinking. I'm not even pushing the issue and asking her to please calm down and that I can't talk to her when she's just yelling at me and drunk. I tell her we'll talk later when she sobers up. This must have triggered something plus the fact that she just got caught lying to me about not drinking. She keeps yelling and locks the door yelling "**** you!" as I leave. So later, I check up on her. She's passed out as usual which happens when she binges. So I go away and then I hear her finally get out of her room and go to pass out on the bed. I want to see what she was drinking so I go into her office and I see an opened bottle of pills. Its a mix of old pills, anti-depressants, other pills i didn't recognize. And then I see a hand written letter and it turns out to be a suicide note. She has written that she doesn't want me to have anything. That all her possessions go to her mother and father. I go and wake her up and confront her but she is still really drunk. She finally denies taking any pills and then starts yelling at me again, calling me names, saying I'm like living with Hitler, that I won't give her any privacy, that i don't let her do anything and that she hates me. I'm getting upset now and asking her to please stop yelling at me and angrily yell back at her that "yes, I don't let you become a drunk!" I walk away knowing its the best thing to do at this point. Arguing with her when she's drunk just turns into a yelling match and gets uglier and sometimes violent.

She just turns into a different person completely when she drinks. A friend of hers said its like Jekyll and Hyde. She is the sweetest, most loving and kind wife when she is sober but then she turns into a monster when she drinks. I'm really at my wits end again. I know I am powerless to stop her from drinking. We don't have the money to go back to couples therapy and we don't seem to have learned from our past mistakes. I feel like I need to separate from her. But we pretty much have only each other, we're very much codependents, maybe I am even more so than her. I can't imagine ever divorcing. I had imagined we would spend the rest of our lives together, live out our dreams together, grow old together. I still love her very much but I don't know if she loves me as much anymore. She will say she does tomorrow and maybe even apologize for getting drunk and yelling at me. But to consider suicide? What does that say about our relationship, that she's willing to leave me like that. And then the alcohol, she knows the damage it has caused us in the past. I just feel she really doesn't care any more about us or our future. All she wants to do is escape reality. I'm so tired and frustrated. I thought she could change and for awhile she was not drinking at all. I had a lot of hope but now its like starting all over again. It sounds like a thousand other stories I've read online and watched on shows like Intervention. I realize I need to take some serious actions but I don't know how to go about it. Sorry for the long post, i wanted to go back and make it shorter but I feel like i needed to get it all out there. There is a lot more of course but I can answer any questions if necessary. Thank you very much for reading through all this.