My stomach is in knots today, as it was yesterday, and last week. I’m the crazy chicken in the experiment (see
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chick-en.html for info). My binging husband drinks when I work. I work four days a week and off three. He’s drinking today. He drank yesterday. I know this to be reality. I can’t change this. I’m miserable. Yet I’m still here. I keep thinking, “okay let me enjoy these last three days off of comfort before I leave.” It’s crazy- I know. Like I'll be less comfortable away from him. I’ve emailed the lawyer regarding a divorce, but have not set up a meeting. I do know I have to do it. I’ve played it over and over in my head as to which way is the best way to leave. It makes me happy when I think of a future without him. A future where I am free from the chains of addictions. I can then heal. I thought about hanging in there long enough to actually have a thought out plan, but when he drinks I can’t take it. I need out. I don’t think a thought out plan is going to come together soon enough for my sanity. I think I want to leave and let HP let the pieces fall where they may. I just need to get the guts to go.
Why do I feel so much anxiety? I feel joyous of the possibilities for a future where I’m not sucked dry by a demanding alcoholic, but rather am able to explore my own “book of dreams.” I feel scared of the unknown future. I feel worried of a contested divorce. I fear a possibility of losing my credit standings. I worry that I can’t pay my car payments. I worry about the cats. I just have a lot of goop running through my head, and I can’t seem to lower all this anxiety.