So I have been sober almost a week on umpteenth attempt at sobriety. I am in my second year of graduate study and I hate, I feel like no one in my program is nice or good, they all seem calculating and insecure, so I tend to stay away from them. When I left for school I was living with a girl I really loved, we had been together for years, and I was motivated to improve my self and begin a career as a teacher because I believed in my delusional, depressed brain that she loved me and we would get married one day. Of course, being an alcoholic I didn't see at the time how destructive I was and how miserable I made her. So today I leave her alone, and as long as I don't drink I don't try to call her and listen to her voice. But I do hope she finds someone that will be nice to her and treat her well, she is a great person and deserves it. Also her parents never liked me and considered me white trash because I come from a poor family, like most people on the planet.
So school started yesterday and I felt good, but now I am worried I will not be able to finish because I do not care, and I feel like I have to think and worry about my sobriety so much that I cannot concentrate on anything else. I also don't know what to do for a career, and I don't know what to do when I leave the program I am in. I feel like I should never have been admitted, and that the school used me for financial reasons my first year, because I had to pay money. So I made a huge mistake by borrowing more money and going deeper into debt, which contributed to my drinking, and then my girlfriend quit calling me, and so on.
Now I just feel lifeless. I stopped taking my anxiety meds because they made me feel like I couldn't concentrate. I had to attend a marathon training session that lasted all last week and could not find an appointment with my psychiatrist or counselor. Now today I have all this stuff to do for school and I have no energy or desire to do any of it, I just don't care. Yesterday I felt good and positive while today I feel like someone keeps running me over with a train. Luckily I have no desire to drink because it just makes my anxiety and depression worse. I'm trying to figure out what to do, and I am thinking I need to try and make an appointment with the professionals I was seeing about my problems, but school started back and I was seeing them during the summer, so I do not know if I will be able to see them this week, which means I will need to find another group of rip off artists to try and figure out why I hate being alive and why I do not feel anything at all. Maybe this has nothing to do with alcohol, I don't know. But when I get like this I drink alone. Over the past year I have relapsed in public places, because I wanted to socialize. But now I feel the urge to close all the blinds, lock all the doors, put on the chopin ballads, and just drink straight whiskey all day every day until I don't know what I am doing anymore. I will be 28 next month, and I just want to start a career and one day have a family, a wife and an adopted child or something. But if I am too mentally ill to have that I might as well just get on disability and say **** it.
I have a family history of suicide. Both grandparents on one side killed themselves, and one aunt on the other side killed herself. Both parents alcoholic. Mother epileptic, one grandmother epileptic who died in a mental asylum. I used to self injure when I get how I am now. Depression on both sides of family, and on and on. My counselor was impressed that I had gotten along in life as well as I have, but I still have no hope for the future, no hope that I will ever reach long term sobriety or feel good about myself.
I just hate myself and I don't want to any more. My school isn't helping because it is full of assholes and they are not nice or positive. Why the hell do I post stuff like this when this is a recovery website for drunks and addicts? See, I hate myself for never knowing where to go or what to do, I don't have any idea of what I am doing, and since my girlfriend left me I feel totally worthless, like less than a piece of garbage. Maybe I just need a cigarette or something. Been a couple of days without those.
Sorry for venting and complaining. I just feel like some huge shadow has eclipsed everything that used to mean something to me. Also I have been tired all day, even though I slept for a while. Just feel like I am losing my mind, and I hate my school. IN FACT, I have always hated school, but I kept going and doing it because I thought it would make other people happy. School is a terrible place. See how unstable I am? Who can teach when they hate school, what in the hell kind of sense does that make?
A part of me just wants to be a crazy, drunk redneck who doesn't care about anyone else or anything except himself, get a job as a roofer or a landscaper and drink and eventually buy a trailer out in the country somewhere and wait to die. Instead I make myself miserable every day with...whatever it is I am doing. Probably shouldn't have quit taking my anxiety meds ,but I didn't like the way they made me feel, same with the antidepressants. I just feel like the universe is against me. Sorry to bother all you fine people who have families and lives and quit drinking and go out and take on the world.
I think alcohol is the least of my problems.
