YoungAndClean

To those of you within your first 3 months of sobriety, does it ever feel like you are in pain/anxiety/anger/fear but it's just barely noticable like a splinter in your brain? I'm 12 days sober, and really woke up this morning with a chip on my shoulder, I skipped church, and got really pissed off when my mom got in my face and basically demanded that I go to an AA meeting.

If my sponsor would have done that I wouldn't have cared but because my mother did it, it absolutely floored me. She is basically the equavalent of the nagging yet loving/forgiving wife you older men might have in your life while still in your disease.

Just because I didn't go to church one time, and have not shaved in half a week, and spent yesterday sleeping and in my room, DOES NOT MEAN I'VE RELAPSED. She even said, "oh it sounds like your drifting." Which really pushed my buttons, and I countered, "well if you had any idea how difficult this is you would be cranky too!"

I'm really angry about my reality today and acceptance seems unatainable. I do not want to be just 12 days sober. I'm remembering today why I always went back to the chemicals, sobriety is just too hard. And the patience...oh god...the patience of "one day at a time" just gets old. I'm working the AA program going to as many meetings in my first 90 days, I have a sponsor I call everyday. And have really been willing, going to 6am meetings etc. BUT THE SH*T NEVER ENDS. I can't relax, it's like I have to be ridiculously busy because if I take a day or 2 to chill out watching movies and video games I realize how much it sucks to be an alcoholic 12 days into this lifelong journey.

Sorry for such negativity on a Sunday morning, but I need to get this off my chest and didn't want to complain and whine to my sponsor so I'm doing it here instead haha. I blew off all my days plans and don't want to play golf, going to the Action Group AA BBQ, NONE OF THAT SEEMS FUN IN THE LEAST. But I can't isolate either it seems because I start realizing how much I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I know it gets easier, but time takes time and already I feel that AA is starting to become a drag again. So I'll go to the noon meeting and try and put my hand out there and talk to another alcoholic.

I'm just tired of feeling like constantly 5% uncomfortable 24/7 ya know? Sure it's only 5% discomfort, and I'm grateful that I feel 95% comfortable. But that 5% has got to be the "growth/change/coming to" happening within me which isn't pleasant at all. I guess even when I was high/drunk the 100% chemical feeling of peace was nice, although fake, and killing me and my life and ruining the lives of those around me. I miss numbing out and feeling comfortably numb, I spent hours last night tossing and turning with disturbing thought after another plaguing my mind. Gotta love starting over on this sobriety sh*t. It's always nice when hurtful memories that were burried deep for so long surface and terrorize me. It's like I'm in the crock-pot slow cooker, anyone else feel this way?

"Irritation formed the pearl."