new and scared
I am the spouse of an adult child of an alcoholic. I have been married 30 years and have 5 daughters. I love my husband more than I can express. this year , he dropped a big "bomb".. said he was not sure he loved me, not sure about this marriage and not sure why " I settled for him" I will never be able to explain the shock... ever. He has been the most perfect of husbands and father.. other than my inability to intimately emotionally bond or reach him... I was happy. I accepted what I could not change and the good far outweighed the bad. I thought it was a mid life crisis . We went to counselling . I could describe my childhood in under 10 mintes... it took over an hour to collect his family history. At 3 he witnessed his alcoholic father beat his mother almost to death. He never saw his mother again until he was 28. He thought she was dead his entire childhood He was raised by his alcoholic extremely abusive father and a string of women. It was while listening to him that I could see big issues. I googled adult children of alcoholics and could see the EXACT description and characteristics of my husband and finally understood all the issues in my marriage. So here I am... not sure what to do to save this marriage. Counsellor says he has profoundly entered the "perfect storm" and had much pain to release and years of counselling. I could stand by him... I could continue to love him and support him.. if I understood why he blames so much on ME. Why he talks of leaving ( since April) but never actually goes. He has hurt me beyond description and not sure how I will repair anything. He has almost every characteristic 100 %. He is over responsible, gives endlessly, cannot say no, fixes everyones problems, workaholic , emotionally unable to express himself and on and on it goes. He blames me for for controlling him, not loving him enough , never having a "say" and a long list of shocking revelations. I am want to help him.. as it is clear he is hurt and struggling. But I can barely give him anything.. as he has almost destroyed me. He has been someone else for 30 years.. now the mask is off and he wants "something for himself" ... counsellor says his struggle has " very little to do with me" .. but he will blame me. I have no idea what I am to do... If he wants to leave.. abandonment is not an issue... but he has made no move to actually leave. Someone... please.. explain this to me ... and tell me the best way to handle this... he is my entire life. what does he need from me? he has never been able to tell me... I need to know.